goodbye, for now.

It is now 12:44AM. I remember typing words so similar to these exactly one month ago. I can't believe that it's already over. I knew that today would be difficult but I didn't know that it would be like this. To be perfectly honest, blogging right now is LITERALLY the last thing that I want to do. I have to leave in a few hours to be able to get to Beijing Capitol on time for my flight. I'd much rather be sleeping, playing with kids, or doing this whole month over again. I feel like I'm board my plane in a manner similar to a bratty child not wanting to leave her favorite playground. Kicking and screaming, throwing mulch and pounding her little fists on the ground until they're bruised and bleeding. Okay, maybe not outwardly but definitely on the inside. Driving to Langfang for one last girls' night with my friend Sara, I couldn't help but look around at the now-familiar sights and try my best to hold back the tear parade. I think it's safe to say that I can now call China a home. I kind of forgot that I was in another country over the past few weeks. Even if it's not where I end up for good, it'll certainly always have a huge piece of my heart.

A few weeks ago when my friend left, I shared some really cliché wisdom with her. Obviously, the worst part about leaving here is not getting to see the beautiful children every day. Like everyone who's been here, she was struggling with that. I told her, "momma always said that it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." We've all said that at one point in our lives but does anybody ACTUALLY know what that means? I didn't until today.

It was so easy to want to distance myself from the staff here, from my new awesome Minnesota (and England and Scotland) backpacker friends, and the kids. I kind of wondered why I ever let myself come here. I'm SO bad at saying goodbye. I knew this day would come and that it would be terrible and how could I ever let myself do that? Torrent of emotions aside, it seems logical, right? Even if just for a moment, I thought about these things and wished that I never came here. It sounds really overdramatic but its sadly true. Why would anyone WILLINGLY subject herself to such torment? Being here made my job, my friendships and my comfortable middle-class American life seem so trivial. Why would I ever want to come back from that? How could I ever come back from that?

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

-C.S. Lewis

This is one of my favorite quotes. I had to look at it and think about it for a while today to try to make sense of anything. It's been repeated so often in so many different situations in my life and yet it still rings true. It's beautiful, really. This is love. It's something that I don't think a lot of people feel. It's nauseating and ugly and it'll stab you in the back without so much as a thought but it's the most rewarding of all human emotions. Today, while I was saying goodbye to the kids in the House of Peace, (the place where I've been spending most of my time) I started crying. Sobbing, actually. I tried to go into the other room to hide it but a few of the kids came in, toilet paper rolls in hand, doing their best to dry my tears. (As you can imagine, this only made me cry more.) THAT is love. These kids were so upset to see me cry. They probably didn't even know why I was crying. They didn't need to know. My mind was blown.

There are big things on the horizon, I can promise you this. This journey has been the beginning of a new chapter in my life. New adventures in new places and at home. New friends and new relationships made out of old friends. New challenges, new struggles, new hurts. New heights, new strengths, new stories just waiting to be told. I'll make a fool of myself. I'll fall flat on my face and I'll make terrible decisions. I'll learn a lot. I'll love a lot, I'll be loved a lot. I'm sad that my trip is over but I'm excited to go home and advocate for these little ones. I'm excited that I'll always be able to come back to this place and I am eagerly awaiting the day when I'll bring over a group. Greater things are still to be done, let's see what's next.

Until next time,
e.m.

home stretch

Today was bittersweet, as I imagine the next week will inevitably be. I can't imagine leaving. It breaks my heart that I'll be halfway across the world from these precious little kiddos. It seems like I only just arrived here. I've been missing from this blog the past few days because I've just been focusing on the task at hand. Getting my work done, spending time with the kids, enjoying time with the girls here, trying to forget about the fact that my time here is almost done. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't look into changing my flight to stay here a little longer. I do have 60 more days left on my visa, after all. (Mom and Dad, if you're reading this, don't worry. The $3,000.00 cost to change my flight is physically impossible for me so I'm coming home soon, whether I like it or not.)

Rather than moping and whining about not wanting to leave, I want to share some photographs that I was blessed to be able to take the other day. The little girl in these pictures is seeing pictures for the first time of her forever family.

I can tell that these next fewmonths are going to be full of questions. After a moment like this, I couldn't help but feel that everything that I do is somewhat trivial. It'll be good to get home and so amazing to see my family but I've come to the decision that I'm going to have to make some moves. I don't know exactly what they'll be but after being here and working with these kids, everything else seems pointless. It seems selfish almost. Do I think I'll be here? No, but I don't know. All I know is that the cause of orphans all over the world has won over my heart and if I'm meant to devote my life to them, it'll happen. God works in mysterious ways. I don't want to figure it out right now, I don't even want to think about it. I just want to continue to soak it all in and give the rest of my days here to Him.

I feel like even this post in itself has been very disjointed, that's just how I'm feeling though. I knew coming here that I'd be leaving a huge piece of my heart in China. I did last time, and that's why I came back. I just didn't know that it'd feel like.... this. Not exactly sure what it is, I'm sure I'll figure it out soon enough though.

xo, e.m.

the great and the not-so-great:

I have hives. It's really fun. Not. No lie, my entire body (except for my face somehow?) is covered. Needless to say, it's been a rough few days. I woke up this morning as the poster child for Benadryl's side effects and wanted to lay in bed all day and mope. Much to my chagrin, today was no day to mope. As Jenna's last full day, it was Great Wall day. What started out as a cold, foggy and miserable day ended up being pretty magnificent. (But still cold and foggy.)

A lot of you know that I'm a snow bunny so you can only imagine my excitement when we got up into the mountains and I watched the amount of snow on the ground seemingly multiply before my eyes as we climbed higher and higher. The more fresh powder that I saw, the more the drug-induced shell around my heart melted and my scowl slowly turned into a smile. That probably sounds really over-dramatic but Jenna can vouch for me-- it's not. Waking up amidst the grogginess of diphenhydramine hydrochloride makes me a very unhappy girl. Not that it happens often, but when it does, watch out. I'm only human, right? Thankfully, my drowsiness and the whole slew of other side-effects had gone away by the time we arrived at the wall. That, and of course my little American heart started beating a little faster at the sight of the Subway sandwich shop that sits at the foot of the wall. Sacrilegious? Probably. Delicious? You bet. Having that as our motivation and reward for a good hike, we headed towards the ski lift to take us to the top.

The view on the way up is incredible. I took a few pictures but they do it no justice. It's quite an experience to be "one" with everything in such a way. It's breathtaking to be suspended on a tiny wire hundreds of feet above the earth, floating amidst snow-laden mountains and fragile pines. When we finally reached the peak and saw The Wall in its desultory glory, it was almost underwhelming when compared to the myriad of cascading landscapes surrounding it. I don't see how anybody could not be moved by such a sight. To feel so small is such a beautiful thing.

The rest of the day was kind of a blur; climbing, gazing, pictures, nice folks saying hi, walking, ski lift back down, sandwich, driving home, second sandwich, itchy, tired, blogging. Doesn't matter though. The mountains were like my own little reminder from God that there is nothing that He can't do and that's more than I could ever ask for. 

As of today, my trip is officially halfway over. Of course a large part of me never wants to leave and knows it'll be hard but it's nice to have days like today to remind me of why I'm here to begin with. I'm getting so many new ideas and am being inspired to do so many more things. Enough for tonight though, I'll save that all for another time.

xo, 

e.m.

my heart is so full

wonderful, wonderful

Today was wonderful. I played with some really adorable babies. There is something really therapeutic about holding a cooing little child. My heart was melted by a pair of innocent and wide-open eyes and I learned a lot about life today.

I always liked playing with the older kids. For example, yesterday, I was playing rugby with some of the boys. In hindsight, I shouldn't have been encouraging them to kick a rugby ball in the house but that is exactly why I'm sort of terrified of babies! They're so fragile and I'm so...... not. The past few days though, I'm proud to say that I've gotten over that fear. I held a baby boy for an hour today. So peaceful. The world is such a crazy place, there's so much uncertainly and so much to be afraid of but I forgot all about it. Micah, the little boy, looked up at me with so much trust in his eyes. As I cradled him in my arms, it made me think about the childlike faith that I try so hard to perfect in my everyday life. His gaze was it, effortlessly. I worry about so much. This baby doesn't know anything, he doesn't have anything to call his own yet he smiled at me as if he was the happiest human being in the world.

I've never been a mother (and won't be for a very long time) but I think I got a very small glimpse of it today. It's absolutely beautiful. I'm pulling for Micah to find a forever family (with a super-loving momma) soon!

xo, e.m.

my day in photos.

This place is incredible. I want to bring everybody I know.

xo,
e.m.

p.s. the pictures of me are taken by my friend Jenna!

the luckiest

For some moments, there are no words.

xo,

e.m.