goodbye, for now.

It is now 12:44AM. I remember typing words so similar to these exactly one month ago. I can't believe that it's already over. I knew that today would be difficult but I didn't know that it would be like this. To be perfectly honest, blogging right now is LITERALLY the last thing that I want to do. I have to leave in a few hours to be able to get to Beijing Capitol on time for my flight. I'd much rather be sleeping, playing with kids, or doing this whole month over again. I feel like I'm board my plane in a manner similar to a bratty child not wanting to leave her favorite playground. Kicking and screaming, throwing mulch and pounding her little fists on the ground until they're bruised and bleeding. Okay, maybe not outwardly but definitely on the inside. Driving to Langfang for one last girls' night with my friend Sara, I couldn't help but look around at the now-familiar sights and try my best to hold back the tear parade. I think it's safe to say that I can now call China a home. I kind of forgot that I was in another country over the past few weeks. Even if it's not where I end up for good, it'll certainly always have a huge piece of my heart.

A few weeks ago when my friend left, I shared some really cliché wisdom with her. Obviously, the worst part about leaving here is not getting to see the beautiful children every day. Like everyone who's been here, she was struggling with that. I told her, "momma always said that it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." We've all said that at one point in our lives but does anybody ACTUALLY know what that means? I didn't until today.

It was so easy to want to distance myself from the staff here, from my new awesome Minnesota (and England and Scotland) backpacker friends, and the kids. I kind of wondered why I ever let myself come here. I'm SO bad at saying goodbye. I knew this day would come and that it would be terrible and how could I ever let myself do that? Torrent of emotions aside, it seems logical, right? Even if just for a moment, I thought about these things and wished that I never came here. It sounds really overdramatic but its sadly true. Why would anyone WILLINGLY subject herself to such torment? Being here made my job, my friendships and my comfortable middle-class American life seem so trivial. Why would I ever want to come back from that? How could I ever come back from that?

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

-C.S. Lewis

This is one of my favorite quotes. I had to look at it and think about it for a while today to try to make sense of anything. It's been repeated so often in so many different situations in my life and yet it still rings true. It's beautiful, really. This is love. It's something that I don't think a lot of people feel. It's nauseating and ugly and it'll stab you in the back without so much as a thought but it's the most rewarding of all human emotions. Today, while I was saying goodbye to the kids in the House of Peace, (the place where I've been spending most of my time) I started crying. Sobbing, actually. I tried to go into the other room to hide it but a few of the kids came in, toilet paper rolls in hand, doing their best to dry my tears. (As you can imagine, this only made me cry more.) THAT is love. These kids were so upset to see me cry. They probably didn't even know why I was crying. They didn't need to know. My mind was blown.

There are big things on the horizon, I can promise you this. This journey has been the beginning of a new chapter in my life. New adventures in new places and at home. New friends and new relationships made out of old friends. New challenges, new struggles, new hurts. New heights, new strengths, new stories just waiting to be told. I'll make a fool of myself. I'll fall flat on my face and I'll make terrible decisions. I'll learn a lot. I'll love a lot, I'll be loved a lot. I'm sad that my trip is over but I'm excited to go home and advocate for these little ones. I'm excited that I'll always be able to come back to this place and I am eagerly awaiting the day when I'll bring over a group. Greater things are still to be done, let's see what's next.

Until next time,
e.m.